How do I tell a guy that I like him more than I am letting on? We have been going out for a while and we are both falling for each other very hard. He knows that I am very committed to him. I want to take our relationship further. We haven't had sex yet, and I want too. How do I bring up the subject without feeling like I am putting a lot of pressure on the two of us. I just don' t know how to tell him I want to. Just in case he doesn't feel it's a good idea.
Cassandra
Dear Cassandra,
Aren't the 90's confusing. You used to know that a guy wanted to go to bed with you. But, in this inconvenient condom world, things are different. I find that there are some guys nowadays that are afraid that they are pushing you. Or there are those that feel that sex ruins a perfectly good relationship. The fact is, you'll never know if you don't ask. Communication is the key to any healthy relationship. You should never have to wonder. Just wait until one night when the kissing is very intense and ask him how he would feel about moving things on a little further. Very few men could refuse a request like that. Are you afraid he'll run away? If he does, he's the wrong guy. He would have run anyway, no matter how nice it seems now.
Hey, and don't forget the condoms. Always stay safe.
Dr. Liz
My biggest problem with my love life right now is that I like this guy who is 2 years younger than I am and I always get hounded by my friends for liking somebody that is much younger than I am; but I don't let my friends bother me.
Then there's this other guy who is my x-boyfriend and now he has this new girlfriend and he's always telling me that he wants us to be friends, but every time I try to call him or say "hi" or whatever he just gives me this dirty look and doesn't say anything to me. My problem with that is the fact that I still have very strong feelings for him and it bugs me when he treats me like I'm not even there or I'm like some sort of contagious disease or something. What do I do? I like both of these men but I'm kind of stuck between the two and I don't know which one I like more.
Please send me your advice as soon as possible.
Thanks,
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
It sounds like your problem is solved, but that your are having a very difficult time accepting that. First, a two years age difference is no big deal. Actually, age is irrelevant. Someone can be quite wise beyond their years at 20 while someone who is 40 doesn't have a clue. Ask any man about dating younger women. Look at Charlie Chaplin and Bing Crosby, both of whom had wives who were more than 20 years younger. People will always tease if they can get a rise out of you. Besides, age isn't the issue. Is he nice to you and does he make you feel special?
The real issue sounds like your relationships with your ex-boyfriend. You are ex- since your relationship with him is not only obviously over, but that he has a new girlfriend. Having a new girlfriend is a pretty clear statement that the romantic part of your relationship is definitely over. It seems that from what you are saying that you are still trying to decide which one to choose when the choice has already been made for you. As far as maintaining a friendship with an old boyfriend, it's always really important to realize if you were ever really friends in the first place. If he is not responding to your calls, then wait for him to call. If he doesn't, then he was just saying he wanted to be friends "to be nice." It's a tough thing to accept, but many people don't know how to make a clean break. If he's interested in pursuing a friendship, he'll call. You've already called. If you call more, you will look like you are desperate and chasing him. Let him come to you or, if he doesn't, just consider him someone stupid enough to let go of a good friendship -- and who of us wants to be with anyone that stupid?
Dr. Liz
Hi my problem is that I am in love with two men, one is my husband and the other is a friend of ours. I know I have feelings for the other man and I sure that he has feelings for me, but we never seem to talk about them. He is also married but they don't get along anymore.
I am wondering what to do about these little things that happen every once in awhile, like when I am intimate with my husband I feel bad that I am not with the other man. Then when I am with the other man I am sad because I don't really feel bad about being with him. So I am trying to figure out if I am no longer in live with my husband or that my feelings are confused. I really like them both, but sometimes I feel I like my husband less and the other man more.
Could you please give me some advise on what I might do to figure this out. My husband does not know about any of these feelings.
Thank-you,
Joanne
Dear Joanne,
Whenever someone's eyes and heart start to wander, there are usually issues at home that are not being taken care of. What are the needs that you have that your husband is not fulfilling and this other man seems to be? Whenever we go beyond just noticing an attractive person when we are already attached it is usually a sign that there is unhappiness in your present relationships with your husband. The first thing to do is to identify the thing(s) about your relationship that are making you unhappy and tell him your needs. Do you have trouble talking? Then you might need the help of a professional counselor to help mediate. In my years of working with couples, cheating on a partner has always had to do with unmet needs -- needs that have often not been spoken.
It's only natural for you to be confused about who you should be with when you are having sex with one of them. The sex drive is a very complex mechanism that sets of the type of chemical reaction that will turn any brain to mush in about 2 minutes. It's impossible to think clearly while you are sleeping with both of them. I recommend that you try taking time off from sex altogether for a week or two just to get a little perspective. At the same time, I would encourage you not to see your married partner so that you can have a little mental space to evaluate your marriage, your present situation, and what to do without that pink cloud fogging your vision.
It also does not sound as though either of you are considering leaving your partners -- even though both he and you may not be happy in your marriages. If you were so unhappy, you both would have already left. Given this circumstance, I only see pain in your future -- pain for both of you as well as both your partner and any children that might be involved.
If there are more concrete problems that you need addressed about this situation, please write again. In the meantime, take care of yourself by taking some space to think.
