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Dear Dr. Liz,

I have been divorced for almost three years now. I was out of the dating scene for twenty six years. I don't know what I am doing wrong in my relationships, but would appreciate any input from you.

I have started to have what could of turned into serious relationships, with three different men. Each one we discussed up front what we were looking for. In each one the man has told me that he was in love a with me month or so before I even admitted to caring for him at all. As soon as I admit that I am starting to care also, they pull back so far you would almost need a telescope to see them. But as soon an I decide to date someone else, they are back beating on my door. When I was younger we called it head games. What is going on?

LaurasTheme

Dear LaurasTheme,

In a way it is head games, but these are unconscious and more gender specific. Something interesting came up in the last 10 or so years while you were married. It's a thing women call "commitment phobia." What been fascinating in my work with couples and in talking with friends (male and female) is that most men have a different meaning for this term than we do. This is why you are running into such confusion.

Many men believe that when we talk about commitment phobia we are talking about marriage. They have no idea that, for women, what we consider to be a commitment can be as simple as "I had a nice time last night. Can I see you again?" We don't hear that much anymore. How many times have you had to sit and wonder whether he would call again?

Many women would just like to have men let us know they like us, and be able to let someone know that you like them, too. Why do men say they love you, but freak when you say the same thing? Many men have told me that they feel that when they say "I love you," it isn't a big commitment. But if a woman says it back, many of them have said that it starts to feel as though the woman is expecting a long-term future out of the relationship.

Now, I'm not saying that all men are like this, but there is a huge communication gap between men and women right now and it's impacting dating. I encourage you to read a great book by Dr. Deborah Tanner called "You Just Don't Understand." This is not a pop psych book like many of those others. She studies the social differences in language and, in this book, explains why men and women talk differently. It has to do with how we are brought up. It's an interesting read.

What's the solution? Either wait till they are begging you to say "I love you" or, if you have the guts to pull this one off, ask what they mean when they say "I love you." It's a good question: "Do you mean you love me at this minute or that you'll love me tomorrow, too? Or does it mean that you just feel close to me and don't have any other words." Then you both have a chance to say what "I love you" means and that it can grow and change in definition and no one has to die from hearing it. And if the guy has doubts, tell him to just ask you what you mean by that.

Good luck and don't give up on dating.

Dr. Liz

Seven months ago I started a job that I knew I would love. However, certain members of our Sales Team, mostly management have made the working environment somewhat unpleasant, even to the point where I have decided to look elsewhere for employment.

One month ago, the company hired a new Director of Sales. From the moment I saw him we instantaneously clicked. From that point on we have become closer personally as well as professionally. He makes coming to work each day Great! I find him very attractive, funny, good humored, and I believe he finds me the same. However, he is the boss! I try to maintain professionalism because I do not want to stir up rumors or even inappropriate behavior and I also believe this is his intent as well. However, I am finding it difficult to work around him or even see him constantly and not be able to say what I am feeling. I want to know what he feels but am afraid because work relationships are never smart, at least in my experience, he is the boss and my job is important to me. I do not want to do anything to jeopardize the relationship that already exists but I also do not want to miss out on a much closer more meaningful relationship if the potential exists.

While you are admittedly in a sticky situation, I want to congratulate you for having the courage to face the realities -- both positive and negative -- of your situation.

It sounds as though you have thought this out well and thoroughly, something people often forget to do once their hormones are engaged. As you already have expressed so well, relationships at work are always difficult because no matter what happens to the relationship, you still have to face each other. Then, as you mentioned, there is always the secrecy factor (even if he were not your boss) since many companies frown on interoffice dating. Then you have the difference in power, since he is your boss. That can only make it all the more confusing.

There is no simple solution to this one. Since you are thinking this through so well, I know you know that or you wouldn't have written. The simplest -- but not necessarily easiest -- answer would be to do what you had planned before he came on board. You were unhappy with your job before he came. It sounds like he is the only thing that is keeping you there. Would you lose him if you took another job, as you had planned before? If you did, you would have lost him anyway. If there's anything real going on here, it shouldn't change your relationship but, rather strengthen it by putting it on an equal footing. If he doesn't stay in touch when you go, then he might just be enjoying the position of power and convenience that he has. It's always scary to find out. But since you'll find out sooner or later, wouldn't you rather it be sooner instead of hurting a lot more later. And who knows, if it's real, there won't have to be anymore secrets.

Hi! I had been dating a guy for 2 and a half years, and he was my prince charming! He always loved to cuddle and was constantly telling me how beautiful he thought I was. In January of this year, we took a 2 week vacation to Florida. Things were GREAT, and he asked me to marry him. I knew he was the one I wanted to marry from the first year, so of course I said yes to his offer. I was so excited, and so was he (it seemed). We started to look for acres of land and house plans and such. He talked about wanted 2 children and how he hoped that they would have my smile. He was always so sweet. Then one day, out of the blue, everything changed! He suddenly acts really cold towards me and rarely touches me. He only tells me he loves me in response to me telling him first. He doesn't tell me he thinks I am beautiful anymore and he constantly calls himself stupid. I ask him if he wants to call off the engagement and he says no, but I don't think I can marry him like this.!

I have been told that he may have some hidden jealousy because he is 3 years older than me and I just recently graduated from college and he dropped out. I can't believe that this could be true because he has been dating me through all of my college years. Plus this strangeness in him started way before I graduated. Now suddenly he has been going on this speal about how he no longer wants any children. Do you think that he is trying to get rid of me? We never fight, and we have so much in common. We share the same dreams and interests, but I don't know why this change. Can you help me?

Sudden changes always leave your head spinning -- especially when you don't know what's caused them. My first question to you would be have you asked him why he suddenly seems so different. Or are you afraid to ask. Since we usually expect the worst, the answer can't be worse, but is often better than what we were thinking. I agree with you that the idea of hidden jealousy doesn't sound right. From what you are describing, it sounds as though he got very depressed over something.

What it sounds like you two are missing right now is some good communication skills. People are so often afraid of just saying what's on their mind, when that is usually the best solution to any problem. I'm not suggesting blurting out something insensitive. Just be clear and direct. He needs to know that his sudden change has made you uncomfortable and that you don't like to have to feel that way. Tell him that if things have changed in some way, he owes you the respect of telling you. You two have been together far too long to not be open with each other. If he tries to tell you that it's nothing, then let him know that his "nothing" is causing you quite a bit of grief, and that's not something you do to someone you love.

So many couples never realize that real intimacy is not sexual at all. It's all about communication. It's being able to safely share your hopes, dreams, fears, and vulnerabilities without having them used against you. When the fireworks start to slow down, this is what makes a relationship last. If you can't talk with someone, you can't feel safe with them. See if he'll talk with you. It sounds like he is very troubled right now and could really use someone to talk to.